They say “Abs start in the kitchen”. Fuck Abs. Nutrition starts in the grocery store.
When you walk into the grocery store, what’s in the middle? Aisles. Aisles upon aisles of deliciousness. It just so happens that most of that shit is processed garbage that’s full of refined sugar, and trans fats, and if it isn’t, your body will turn all that deliciousness into sugar and eventually fat anyway, so same fuckin’ thing.
It just so happens, all the “good for you” shit, for whatever reason, is universally placed around the perimeter of every fucking grocery store in the god damned world.
It also just so happens, that’s mostly all you fuckin’ need. Veggies, meats, maybe the dairy section for yogurt, and the bulk foods nuts.
That’s not to say everything in the middle aisles is garbage. You just gotta tread lightly.
The Frozen section.
Full of 5 dollar pizzas and ice creams… let me tell you something about those god damed fucking pizzas. I love pizza. I have a pizza tattooed on my body. It’s a couples tattoo my wife and I got together to profess our love to one another. Pizza LITERALLY signifies love for me. Flash back to when I was a broke ass student and those 5 dollar pizzas were the backbone of my diet. I went from being 190 lbs and healthy to 240 lbs diagnosed with G.E.R.D from eating that processed fucking garbSHIT. Every time you eat one, you remember, “oh yeah, this is rubbery shit and I hate it, now I hate myself, and now my tummy hurts”. Fuck a 5 dollar pizza.
Back to the frozen section.
Blueberries. You need that shit in your life. And peas – In case you hurt yourself. Actually, frozen veggies are fucking awesome. It’s even debatable that they’re more nutritious than the fresh shit. WUUUUUAAAAAAATTTT??? Yea, think about it. These veggies are picked and frozen in the height of their harvest. They don’t even have a chance for the nutrients to deteriorate in them.
The Novelties section is for 6 year old’s birthday parties. You want dessert, check out the Recipe Modification blog. I know you want waffles. Those are shit too, if you want em, make em yourself.
Don’t even think about a BOX of chicken wings, nuggets, strips or anything else of the like. Check out my meat worship post about that fucking bullshit. There’s a big difference between “Frozen Meals” and frozen things you use make into meals. Spoiler alert, boxed shit is bullshit that will make your shits shitty.
The Spice Aisle.
Spices are also in an inside aisle, which is also usually the baking aisle so travel with caution. Spices offer tons of micronutrients and flavours essential for creating dope shit in the kitchen. Just say away from pre-made spice blends which are sodium & MSG laden traps. If you want some spice blend ideas, head over to the recipes section. When buying spices, be sure to go for companies that don’t irradiate their seeds. This process strips any and all nutritional value out of them.
Gywneth Paltrow is single handedly responsible for the death of the baking industry. Or at least that’s who I blame. Baked goods are fine, just don’t fucking eat that shit all the fucking time if you can. If you’re celiac (the 1%), I feel bad for you son, but theres a lot of fakers and perpetrators out there that will say they’re gluten intolerant, while drinking a craft beer. When company comes, break bread. Literally. It’s a tradition as old as time and it’s a fucking important one. There’s lots of healthy options in the baking aisle; keep it whole grains, which are super important in our diet. Plus, who hasn’t been dubbed the ‘dessert guy’, ran late and been bailed out by the bakery? If you can, support the local independent bakery (if Gywneth Paltrow hasn’t axe murdered their business with a blog post yet). That’s where the quality shit is. All said, most of the bakery shit does turn to sugar inside of us and inflames our guts, so keel back, eh? Whole grains with seeds and shit. That’s what’s up.
This is level 5 shit here, because fat is a tricky subject. I’ll only scrape the surface, because I have a whole post on it’s own about this.
If you’re cooking with it, look for high smoke point oils like grapeseed or cold pressed (non hydrogenated) canola.
If you’re making a salad dressing, use olive or sunflower.
Don’t heat olive oil. And fuck coconut oil. That shit is for lube, new tattoos and beard health. It’s high in saturated fat and it’s like cooking with chap stick. Coconut oil can sit and spin.
Canned Goods and Pasta
Like the RZA says,
“You gotta read the label, if you don’t read the
label you might get poisoned…”
These are the tricksy fuckers. There’s plenty of healthy and convenient options in these aisles, but they’re mostly full of Sodium, Sugar, and Saturated Fat. A can of beans could unexpectedly be keeping those beans in a brine (that’s full of salt). A Gluten Free pasta could be full of added sugar, etc.
Look for Whole or Ancient Grain pastas, low sodium soups, veggies, beans and legumes. Purchase fruits that are’t kept in syrups. Keep your serving sizes small or at least on par with what the label says.
There is always the option to buy dried beans, and soak them yourself, or to make pasta yourself from scratch. Its more work, but way cheaper and healthier.
The “Natural Foods Section”
This is a new one, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing all the same. This is where they have all the expensive organic shit, that’s still processed all the same. Look, if you buy into the organic thing, the dirty dozen/clean 15 thing, or none of it all together, that’s none of my business. This section has a higher price tag, some of it’s bullshit, some of it isn’t. Tortilla chips are tortilla chips, any way you slice it. They’re still fried and they’re still shit you don’t need. That being said, sometimes you gotta junk out and that’s the place to go. There’s some dope salsas and nutrient shakes in here that will improve your nutrition without totally fucking your shit up, but they’re still processed and you still have to read the labels all the same. The thing here to remember is they’re still a food company with a board of directors and they want your money just as much as the next guy. They don’t owe you anything and they don’t have your best interests at heart. They simply followed all the rules in the legislation and shelled out the money to get organically certified because it sells. Hence, the added price tag.
That legislation (in Canada) states that in order to be certified organic, 75-95% of ingredients have to be organically grown, they aren’t allowed to use synthetic pesticides, but “Organic practices and this standard cannot assure that organic products are entirely free of residues of substances prohibited by this standard and of other contaminants, since exposure to such compounds from the atmosphere, soil, ground water and other sources may be beyond the control of the operator.”
There’s still bad shit in here, and there’s also good, so take it for what it’s worth. If eating organic makes you feel healthy, fuckin eh, power to ya bud.
Coffee. Tea. Low sugar/sodium condiments like mustard, hot sauce, vinegars; get that shit. You can make a ton of healthy salad dressing out of these essentials. Store bought salad dressing is for lazy people. Make your own (hit up the Recipes section).
Fuck a granola bar aisle. That’s processed sugar. Straight up. Protein bars give you bitch tits. Take it from a guy who got bitch tits from protein bars. Eat a chicken breast or better yet, a bean salad.
Oh, and Vitamin Water is fuckin soda pop, okay? There is 30 fuckin grams of sugar in one of those things. You want vitamin water drink water with a fucking vitamin. You want flavour, try some slices of cucumber, or watermelon chunks in your water bottle.
When it comes to optimal nutrition, it’s not something that is going to happen over night. It’s taken me years to to figure out proper label reading, serving sizes and what’s good and what isn’t, and I’m still not there. You can’t expect to just give up all your favourite foods all at once, but in no means does making sacrifices have to suck. Make compromises. The main thing here is that you try.
Make good choices,